ExperienceDomestic violence'I felt scared and ashamed of what I'd done. I apologised and thought it was a one-off, but it was a pattern that would carry on for the next 10 years'The first time I struck him was during an argument over money. He'd decided to pay off a loan without telling me and we'd gone overdrawn. I was worried and tried to discuss it with him, at which point he left the room. I felt we hadn't talked it through properly and followed him. The next minute I was hitting him around the head.
I remember losing control and my limbs lashing out. Afterwards he was upset and I cried – I felt scared and ashamed of what I'd done. I apologised and thought it was a one-off, but in fact it was a pattern that carried on for the next 10 years.
I met my husband through mutual friends at Durham University. I was 19 and he was five years older, more worldly and mature. He was less serious, too, and made me laugh. We married five years later. He had a job in IT by then and I started work as a divorce lawyer. The early days of our marriage were steady, but as the stress of my job and responsibilities grew, I took it out on him.
After that first time, it happened again about 18 months later. I felt a surge of rage I couldn't control. My anger would escalate during arguments over household chores or my husband coming to bed late. I remember feeling I was out of my body, watching myself and telling myself to stop, but I couldn't. I would hit him hard; hitting to hurt.
One time I picked up a table and crashed it down so hard on the ground that it broke. I left bite marks in his arm a couple of times – it was similar to the way siblings fight, yet he never once struck back. He'd hold up his hands to shield himself, which made me feel even worse.
I know my husband felt emotionally hurt at times – it was upsetting for him to think the person he loved wanted to hurt him – but he never threatened to leave me. He felt there was more to me than this behaviour, and that we still had a strong marriage. I'm a petite woman, a little over eight stone (51kg), and my husband is a big man. Yet he said he didn't feel emasculated, and that I never physically hurt him. While I exploded, he remained calm. I was thankful, but I was also frustrated that he wasn't communicating fully with me. I was using violence to get a reaction. I was verbally aggressive, too. I'd make demeaning comments, sarcastic and personal attacks – all the things that erode love. I'd blame him, preach and criticise.
I couldn't understand why I wanted to be aggressive to someone I loved. I lacked self-awareness. I now realise the anger I felt was to do with stress and low self-esteem. I was packing my life too tightly, working long hours as a lawyer, volunteering at the Citizens Advice bureau and doing soup runs for the homeless. I had what I felt was a privileged upbringing; my family was middle class and I went to private schools. I felt I had an obligation to repay this to society. I thought I should be superhuman and I felt my husband should be, too. To other people I seemed calm and accommodating, a kind of peacemaker. But inside I was pent up and deeply ashamed of myself.
Eventually I accepted something had to change. I'd heard about domestic violence groups, but only for men. I felt my behaviour carried an added stigma – women weren't expected to be violent, especially high-powered working women who volunteered for charities. Then I found an anger management course on the internet. It was nerve-racking at first, and I knew I'd have to face up to aspects of my life I'd prefer to overlook. Yet the course was a turning point and, by the time it finished, I felt confident I could control myself. Then, two years later, I hit my husband again. I had become complacent, assumed that I'd changed. So when I slapped his face for the last time, I was forced to confront the situation. This time I told my family and friends what had been happening. That they didn't criticise or judge was a huge help. Soon after I decided to go part-time as a lawyer and a mediator, and now I run a course to help people deal with anger and conflict.
My husband and I are still together, and I'm careful not to choose language that is aggressive. If I ever get angry and feel my heartbeat quicken, I leave the room, but that is rare. I wouldn't claim our marriage is now perfect, but it's pretty good. It's a caring and gentle relationship, which feels like a big achievement for me.
As told to Jill Clark.
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