Don’t be ashamed. Shame is for the other people in your life who failed you, says Annalisa Barbieri

As a child, I stole a pair of my mother’s high-waisted, pink and white nylon knickers and wore them under my short trousers to school. I was six years old and not getting what I needed from her. I felt I couldn’t access her. She was physically and emotionally unavailable, and in a marriage that was “on the rocks”, as she used to say. I had also tried to tell my parents I was being physically, sexually and emotionally abused at school, but they scolded me for telling lies and not concentrating on my work.

I’m now in my 60s. I’ve been in therapy for many years, and have come to understand my parents’ difficulties and, more importantly, myself. Recently, I have felt the old, suppressed urge to buy women’s underwear online. But I’m conflicted, confused and haunted by other people’s messages. This might be because I grew up in a country dominated by religion.

Is it OK or is it weird, perverted, wrong, strange to wear panties, leggings, tights, etc, at home or outside, concealed under my trousers? I’d love your opinion.

It’s not weird, or perverted; you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. Many men now feel they can wear what they want, including items previously seen as “feminine”, but I appreciate for you it’s not so easy, as doing so is intertwined with shame.

I’m so sorry for the abuse you suffered – abuse compounded by the fact that you were not listened to; an appalling injustice. Both I and the therapist I consulted were very moved by your letter. Over the years I’ve had many similar letters from men who stole and wore their mothers’ underwear – and all of them said their mothers were emotionally distant. It’s not uncommon. Ultimately, it’s about seeking comfort.

I spoke to consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal, who has seen many men presenting with similar issues. He felt you have carried a lot of shame about the abuse you suffered. People who have been abused do often, incorrectly, feel responsible for it. Blumenthal thought the shame about the abuse had become intertwined with shame around your desire to wear women’s underwear.

“Shame,” Blumenthal explained, “is a primary emotion, an anticipation of negative judgment for having done some [perceived] wrong. When you feel shame, you can also feel constantly on edge, fearful of being ‘found out’. You have this sense of a harsh judge sitting on your shoulder, putting you down, when you should be free. It’s very important to give you the message that what you want to do is not something to feel shameful about.”

Blumenthal recommended trying to have a compassionate voice in your mind, to counteract that inner critic you have – the harsh judge. If you were to talk to your six-year-old self, what would you say? What insight would you, the adult, now bring to the situation?

You can’t change what happened, but what would happen now if you could lessen or remove the shame you feel? I appreciate it’s not an easy process. You said you’ve had therapy and it has helped you, but Blumenthal felt something to consider might be a group-therapy approach, to discuss what happened to you with others, but in a safe place. It could be really liberating to bring it out into the open.

There is an organisation for those abused in childhood called Napac. It has helpful literature online, and a helpline (0808 801 0331), plus details of how to access group support.

Blumenthal explained that at age six, we start to make sense of the world: “We develop our ‘reality sense’ by having a dialogue between what is happening outside ourselves and what’s happening within us. Being abused and not being listened to and believed can have a devastating impact on the sense we make of the world and ourselves – it invalidates our experience. You wearing your mum’s pants was to help make you feel better, more secure. It was clearly an effort to get close to her. It was your token of survival.”

What would make you feel better about wearing what you want? Who could give you that permission? In your longer letter, you told me you have had great success in areas of your life that you are (rightly) proud of. I would like very much for you to tell yourself that you can wear what you want. Shame is for the other people in your life who failed you. Whether you choose to wear these items is up to you. I want you to feel good about yourself. You deserve it.

Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri, a new podcast series, is available here.

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